A Coaching Power Tool created by Betty Zhang 张芳
(Leadership Coaching 领导力教练, CHINA 中国)
God has given you one face, and you make yourself another –William Shakespeare当我们来到这个世界时带着上帝赋予的容颜，而我们将创造属于自己的“我”
Everybody is born an original with different talents and unique characters , but how many of us can live a different and unique life as we truly want.
Ought Self vs Ideal Self is not a simple “label” or “ definition”, this is a journey toward exploring the Inner Self about : who we are and what life we truly want. A good way to think about this is that in life there are things that are “ above the line “ ( such as the environment we are living in; the behavior and actions we take, the capabilities we have owned) and there are things that are “below the line” (such as the belief and values, who we are and our spiritual world) which is illustrated below as the “Logical Level” .
The “ Logical Levels” ( from NLP) is a way of looking more deeply of “Inner Self” and helping us understand what’s involved, or what’s going on. First of all, we can focus on the “above line” and explore how the “Ought Self” is created from the environment we are living in and what is the typical behaviors the “Ought Self” undertake.
Environment : We are taught we have to and ought to…….
From the moment we come into the world, we immediately begin getting “trained”. The doctors, nurses, parents, family members and others we met on our very first day of life began taking care of us and at the same imposing on us their rules, procedures, opinions, beliefs and ideas of how the world works and how things SHOUD be and who you are expected to behave. We have been taught that it is more important to be liked and fit in than it is to be who we truly are.
Environment: We ought to….. because we want to win the competition
We live in a competitive society, and from a very age we learn to how compete with our classmates, friends and others. Most of us also learn when we are young and as we get older as well, that being better than those around us is an important way to succeed and feel good about ourselves. So often we define our success or failure on the basis of the relative success or failure of those around us.
Top score =top university =good job=future success
the success formula is the principles we abide by when we decide what we should do rather than think of who we are and who we really want to be.
Behaviors: we have to follow instructions, copy others, criticize ourselves
Being Ought Self meant that we have strived to do the things that the environment asked us to do and meet the external criteria and others expectations. Because we spend much of our time and energy focused on what we think is wrong with us or what others expected us，we end up spending most of our lives trying to be like others, wishing we were some way that we’re not or can’t be, or devaluing ourselves in a way that doesn’t acknowledge our uniqueness.
Every day we make choice, we have to act like a “victim” who has no control over what happens to us. We spend a great deal of time and energy criticizing ourselves.
Beliefs: I am not good enough
Underneath the line of the “Logical Levels”, we can see the beliefs that we are not good enough become the source of motivation for many aspects of our lives as Ought Self. ( Even our own desire to learn, grow, make choice in life such which university , what subject, which job, whom to marry).
Self Application: 自我应用
At my early age, as the youngest one of a 5-children family, I was regarded as “extra one” since I was expected to be another boy. This to be “good” message taught me that who I am is based on how I behave. Underneath that is that I am not good enough just as I am. I have to keep earning my love, approval, and appreciation form others, and in order to do so I have to live up to specific, subjective expectations of what it meant to be “good”.
I am very proud of my daughter who has been 16-year-old and is a very lovely girl. However I always felt guilty as a mother and regard myself not a “good” enough mother as expected.
Since my daughter was born, I didn’t spend lots of time to accompany her as other mothers did as I used to take frequent travel to cope with my work. Last year when my family decided to be relocated to Australia in order to give my daughter a better learning environment, I suspended my business as the independent consult and decide to become a full-time house wife to look after her. This decision meant a great sacrifice of my career to be a Good Mother.