A Coaching Power Tool Created by May Li
(Transformational Coach, CANADA)
Introduction
Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect (Matthew 5:48)
For many years I had been told to meet various expectations from parents, the one I loved, communities, authorities, seniors, and opinion leaders. When I started my early career in the luxury industry, the spirit of craftsmanship impressed me so much and I learned to think more and try to focus more on details thus pursuing an idea situation – being perfect. It had been so powerful on my memory; it even becomes a model which I live with for many years. although I had to fight with incompleteness, missing deadlines and even shortage of a whole picture, my feelings of not being good enough would persuade me to be perfect. Indeed, it is not so comfortable. Instead, it is heavy.
Nobody’s perfect (unknown saying)
However, being perfect is a criterion that seems impossible for us to attain by our own efforts. My priest told me that Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven. I realized it a couple of years ago, but still choose to neglect it for some instant goodness from my perspective during the moment. Those reasons result from somewhere I don’t know. It might be the so-called underlying beliefs that had been shaped since my childhood.
Things are getting change since I studied certified coach program at ICA. The experience of being a coach or being a client allows me to think about new alternatives from different perspectives. It is more like you get a new “eye” on your mind, you watch all the connections between “you” as a human being, “you” and other people, “you” and the micro and macro environment. I learned to be more aware of all those connections during the coach conversation with my clients.
During my recent observed coach examination, I found that being true could be more powerful than being perfect. When I bring a “perfect” model into the session, it is difficult for me to listen to my client and those essences of being perfect had completely distracted me and it is hard for me to deliver “being” during the session. A successful coach session is based on mutual contributions, it is a co-work rather than a coach’s perfect performance. Clients welcome openness (both mind and heart) and flexibility from the coach rather than a prescheduled perfect framework. These experiences inspired me to develop a tool to cope up with the emergency of better delivery of being during the coach conversation.
Explanation
PERFECT
Before we porpoise deeply into being true, let’s clarify the definition of being perfect.
“Perfect” is defined on Merrian-Webster Dictionary as below: (Entry 1 of 3)
1
a: being entirely without fault or defect
b: satisfying all requirements: ACCURATE
c: corresponding to an ideal standard or abstract concept
d: faithfully reproducing the original
e: legally valid
2 EXPERT, PROFICIENT
3
a: PURE, TOTAL
b: lacking in no essential detail: COMPLETE
c: obsolete: SANE
d: ABSOLUTE, UNEQUIVOCAL
e: of an extreme kind: UNMITIGATED
These definitions are rich and diversified. On the coach session, the definition of “completion” might be the synonym of “perfection”.
John Welwood had stated in his book Love and Awakening that one’s inner world is like a castle. “There are many perfect rooms in the castle, each room represents one characteristic of your mind. All rooms are bright which makes the castle special. When you are young, you may enter into any of them freely. But one day, adults come to you and tell you that some rooms are not perfect, you may lock them to have a perfect castle as a whole. You trust them and lock more and more rooms. Now more people visit your castle, but the castle is not bright as before; instead, there are many dark corners” (Debbie Ford, 33-34).
“People always provide all kinds of suggestions. They tend to tell you how a perfect castle looks like. Without notice how all these happen, you start to neglect your inner voice” (Debbie Ford, 34). It might be the true situation that happened to me. Since my childhood, I forget where these voices come from and how they come to my mind. Now I take all these voices as I own from the very inner part. They are now becoming criteria or standards of my mindset which influence my behavior. One might not want to accept the dark side of these characteristics and prefer to escape from them. For all those not fit with the standard, I get used to escaping and neglecting them as they are the opposite of being perfect since they are not acceptable. Thus, I take the perfect mask as my equipment, I categorize myself to a group of being perfect. I feel proud of becoming one member of the gorgeous group and gradually, I try to hide from a true self.
TRUE
“True” is defined on Merrian-Webster Dictionary as below: (Entry 1)
1
(1): being following the actual state of affairs
(2): conformable to an essential reality
(3): fully realized or fulfilled
b: IDEAL, ESSENTIAL
c: being that which is the cause rather than what is manifest or assumed
d: CONSISTENT
Entering the first definition, the meaning of “true” is truly explained. Authentic seems the synonym of “true”. Being true means being yourself without any other masks of anyone you want to be.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.– Dr. Seuss
The thing that is really hard and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning to work on becoming yourself.– Anna Quindlen
In her book, Your Many Faces, Virginia Satir describes that we are carrying various faces which had been categorized as “good” or “bad”. “Being perfect” seems a good one among all of them. However, each face means new power and new possibilities. No matter how you judge them.
“Before Columbia discovered the new land, all people recognized that the earth is flat and almost all of the advanced thought seemed proved it”. But if we claim it now, nobody would agree with it. Therefore, your criteria of “good faces” might be changed at another time or place. (Virginia Satir, 52)
Only when you can take off your “faces”, one can find their true inner world and accept all of them. Thus, you may accept other people and build connections with others.
From the perspective of a Buddhist, human beings and everything in the world is combined by five categories – substances, feeling, thought ideology, behavior, and consciousness (Zi Lin, 148-149). An eminent monk with nazaritism has insights from all five categories. One with self-awareness tends to practice themselves to get more insights from mentioned five categories.
Application
Coach is defined by ICF as ‘partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.’ (ICA Article, 2018)
This definition demonstrates its underlying philosophy is that our clients are resourceful and creative with energy, wisdom, ability, and great potential. The coach’s role is to partner with clients and inspires them to do a better job. Providing suggestions or directions are not the coach’s job.
During a coach conversation, being perfect is more like your “doing” while being true is your “being”. As a professional coach, it is essential to build a “being” presence instead of “doing”. Therefore, one will build connections with clients and do help the client awake their awareness.
There are various situations for the difficult moment during a coach session. Some common mistakes for a being perfect coach are listed as below:
- Coach is not able to aware of his or her own behavior model which had been taken into the conversation;
- The conversation is about to close while time is not due. Coach wants to best consume the time and add extra questions which don’t help;
- The client’s satisfaction with a goal is low. Coach wants to improve it;
- The client decides not where to go. Coach tends to help the client toward a positive direction;
- The client seems not ready. Coach wants to be helpful;
- The coach doesn’t know how to ask when the client involves strong emotions. Coach give suggestions because of compassion;
- The client seems vulnerable. Coach feels the responsibility to protect and guard;
Under all the above circumstances, the coach puts the client in a vulnerable position who needs the coach’s help. It seems a common mistake for many new coaches.
Research explains people’s reactions toward deficiency. When people realize a shape with a small deficiency, they are tending to amend it as a complete one. Not only adults but also children and monkeys. (Zi LIN, 17)
As coach who wants to be perfect, they are confident with their experience, energy, knowledge, responsibilities, or other characteristics and they tend to deliver their perfect patterns on the conversation and try to help clients from incompleteness to completion. Therefore, it could be more difficult for them to move from a state of being perfect to be true.
Many peers find it is hard to develop their “being” presence. Base on some research and discussion with peers, mentors, it could be a new coach’s practical approach to develop self-awareness at first.
The following approaches extract from ICA articles about self-awareness could be helpful.
- “Write in a journal every day so you can see patterns that emerge in your life.
- List your strengths and think about how you would like to develop them further.
- Employ a coach who will support you on your journey of self-awareness and tell them
- Ask your friends and family to support you as you learn more about yourself. Ask them to share what they see are your strengths, your qualities, etc.
- Attend a workshop or read books on self-awareness to find the approach you want to support you on your journey.
- List your goals for self-awareness, and how what you need to achieve them.”(ICA Article, 2018)
- Practice mindfulness or meditation.
Meditation and journal writing are my first two practices. Gradually, I can see my behavior patterns during coach conversations. Particularly when you listen to the audio you had recorded for learning.
My old model of being perfect was recognized during the recently observed coach examination, I start to practice to shift my perspectives on coach sessions. My philosophy is to follow nature, do the moment. Here are some of my learnings from the practice-
Firstly, try to hold the space and hold yourself for few seconds when you realize the moment you wish to present your intention. Tell yourself that our life is made of unlimited incompleteness.
Secondly, keep silent. Tell yourself that the client is capable to be the one who wants to be and they can make the best choices.
Thirdly, do a deep breath. We all need to focus on this moment.
Then listen actively to learn what they want. We serve clients to unleash their limitless potential. We believe they are resourceful.
Finally, follow the flow with a client.
If you get familiar with some of the above circumstances, it is a powerful tool for you to utilize in the conversation.
Reflection
Being perfect to being true is also a discussion between “doing” and “being”.
We all come from different backgrounds and take some patterns in our saying and behavior. There is a complicated system that works under the surface. It is hard for a new coach to get it and it is common for them to bring these patterns into a coach conversation.
Carrying these patterns or models, people tend to help clients with their own standard, which is usually just as people’s reaction toward deficiency. However, a coach is a “pas de deux”, never a solo dance. Coach’s role is not a consultant, not a mentor, not a phycologist nor a doctor. The coach’s job is to partner with clients and inspires them. You may give up your patterns and shift your “doing” include being perfect to be a true presence to do a better coach job.
Before you give up your pattern, be aware of the pattern is the first step. You may apply various approaches from ICA or other resources to develop your self-awareness. Journal and meditation are common practices I’d recommend.
Being is possible to develop via practices. Do practice with your peer coach, friends, colleagues, schoolmates, or outside clients. Bear in mind to follow nature, do the moment.
- Hold the space
- Keep silence
- Do a deep breath
- Active listen
- Follow the flow
Chinese painting emphasizes the beauty of “blank” in their great painting works. Leave space there, let your “doing” go, focus on your “being”, it could be another beautiful coach conversation.
Resources
“Does God expect Christians to be perfect?” Steve Johnson, 2017, https://www.insightforliving.ca/read/articles/does-god-expect-christians-be-perfect?Accessed 3 Dec. 2020
Merrian-Webster Dictionary definition of Perfect, accessed 6 Dec. 2020
Merrian-Webster Dictionary definition of True, accessed 6 Dec. 2020
Zi LIN. 2019. From Perfect to True. Guangzhou: Guangdong Travel & Tourism Press. 172 pp
Debbie FORD. 2018. The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. Beijing: Beijing United Publishing Co., Ltd. 227 pp
“25 Inspiring Quotes on Embracing Your True Self”, Therese J. Borchard, 2019, https://psychcentral.com/blog/25-inspiring-quotes-on-embracing-your-true-self#1, Accessed 20 Dec. 2020
Virginia Satir. 2015. Your Many Faces. Beijing: World Book Publishing Company., 98 pp
ICA Articles – What’s Coach
ICA Articles-Self Awareness